Puck & Pearl
I see you
You keep the company of little kids
But you’re all alone, most of the time.
You’re communicating often in the high pitched range of your voice- you like it up there, but you wouldn’t mind coming down for some adult conversation. You’re crouched down on your knees, often, and you’re in and out of the kitchen and laundry room. Your boobs are in and then out again too. You forget to brush your hair, and to take a shower. No, you didn’t forget, there was no real opportunity. You’re already used to this by now.
I see how beautifully you play with your children. Sometimes you’re on fire: you read to them, and talk to them with SO MANY words, like the scientists recommend. Their brains are stimulated- thanks to you, their neurons are firing like crazy and they should have an above average IQ soon. You come up with the most creative projects to engage them. You sing to them, and, finally, now they’re singing right along. I know you’re an amazing mom.
I see how you love your little beings more than life itself. So much so that you give them everything that you are, and yet, still, you doubt yourself and you ask: “what more can I do?” And if you could find out what more to do, you would somehow muster the energy it takes, and, of course, you would do it.
I know that there is something near and dear that you gave up for these kids willingly, happily, though sometimes with complaint, if anyone would listen…
Whether it was some friends that you gave up, that you never see, or your career, or your mental space, or your right to day dream, or the time for a bubble bath, or that leisurely stroll, or the luxury to pee alone, or to look in the mirror as you get dressed. Or, maybe you gave up talking to your husband the way you used to….and you miss him.
I see you. I know that sometimes you get mad at your children because they’re misbehaving or just making it hard for you to do basic things, and then you feel guilty about it. I know that sometimes, even when you’re playing with them and all is going well in the nursery, sometimes you wish you were doing something else, and then you feel guilty. I know that when you complain about your situation, your husband might tell you that he’d love to be in your shoes, so why the complaint. And then you get mad, or then you feel guilty, or both. I know that you wouldn’t change your stay at home status to go back to a job, so “why am I complaining”, you ask? Then you feel guilty, and then you feel sad.
I know that sometimes you worry so much about your kids, how they’re sleeping or not, or behaving or misbehaving. Or, you just worry about their well being. If anything would harm them, it would just be impossible to exist in the world, and that leaves you anxious much of the time, and right on top of them so that you can protect them.
I know that none of it makes sense to you: what you’re feeling, and what you’re experiencing. You love so much having these little beings in the world, and yet, “what to do with all of these new feelings?”
I see you, and the glowing pulsating love that you hold in your heart for these precious beings. It’s obvious- it’s written all over your face, the face that peers out of that nest of tousled hair. And, I see how at the end of the day, when the lights go out, the bed time stories have been told, and the night lights go on, it’s that love that conquers all. That’s the love that makes all the other feelings grow dim, and allows you to do it all over again the next day.